A Modern Day Folktale--Told For the First Time EVER by ME!

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in a desert called Saudi Arabia. Her name was Jordan, but the town fool, Adam Coffin, liked to call her Jordy. The entire town loved Jordy because she had beautiful eyes and a kind heart, but the one thing that Jordy was most famous for, was her incredible cookie baking talent. Jordy’s cookies were the most delicious in all the land, even better than the ones the town fool made. One day Jordy had baked a scrumptious batch of cookies to share with her friends. She placed them neatly in her lunch box and headed off for school. Once she reached her bus stop she struck up a conversation with her bus-buddy Nathan. Jordy noticed that Nathan seemed a little shorter than usual that day.

“That’s odd”, thought Jordan. “I didn’t think it was possible for Nathan to get any shorter. Perhaps if I feed him one of my cookies he will grow a bit more!”

Jordy fed Nathan one of her cookies and oddly enough, nothing happened at all. Poor Nathan was still short, and Jordy had just wasted a perfectly good cookie.

When the bus arrived Jordy and Nathan hopped on. They sat down next to Danielle and Jordy told Dani that she had brought a batch of cookies with her to share at lunch. Dani was so excited, but Nathan just cried, because he was still short.

The bus eventually reached the school and the three children began walking to their classrooms. The whole day Jordy couldn’t stop thinking about how excited she was to eat the cookies she had baked with all of her best friends. She looked down at her backpack, and to her dismay her lunchbox was gone. She began to panic as she realized she had left her lunch, along with her precious cookies, on the bus.

“Ugghh, this sucks!” screamed Jordy during the middle of class. “Hey, shut up kid!” screamed Mr. Cradlin, “Can’t you see I’m trying to teach you about the importance of cannibalism.”

Jordy was so disheartened, her cookies were gone and she was going to starve during lunch. Suddenly she had an idea. She would go down to her bus after school and ask her bus driver if he had found her lunchbox on the bus, and that way she could share her cookies with her friends after school. After the last bell rang she rushed down to her bus and found her bus driver holding her lunchbox with the cookies inside. Jordy was overcome with happiness and announced proudly to the whole world that her lunchbox had been saved, but nobody cared much. When her bus driver returned her lunchbox she was overcome with gratitude and presented him with one of her precious cookies. The bus driver smiled awkwardly and let out a girlish giggle before finally taking the cookie. Jordy thought he was acting a bit oddly, but was joyful nonetheless and trotted back to the school grounds to find her dearest companions.

Jordy’s friends were thrilled to see that she had been reunited with her lunchbox, but mostly they were just happy because this meant that they finally got to eat her food.

Enthusiastically, Jordan opened her lunchbox and extracted the bag of cookies. She had originally had twelve cookies, but she had given one to Nathan and one to the bus driver, so that left her with ten cookies. Nathan, Dani, Hayley, other Hailey, Angie, Jocelyn, Kelcy, Daniel, and Adam the town fool, gazed at the bag of treats. It was perfect, ten cookies for ten best friends. However when Jordy opened the bag she was shocked to find only five cookies left.

“That’s weird, I had enough for all of you”, said Jordy.

“Whoa, no way!” said Hailey.

“The only reason I like you was because you always give me food!” said Adam.

“This means war!” said Nathan.

“We could always split them in two like civilized people” said Jocelyn.

“It was the bus driver!” screamed Angie.

At that moment Jordy realized what a conniving demon her bus driver was. She felt betrayed. However she had a compassionate feeling of forgiveness swell within in heart as she realized that the bus driver was her friend too, and she had meant to share her cookies with her friends in the first place. Her friends eventually realized this too and sat together sharing the cookies that Jordy had so thoughtfully baked for all of them.

The day was saved thanks to the goodness of Jordy’s heart and all of her friends lived happily ever after. Nathan was still really short.

What I Don't Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

          I’ve been thinking for quite a long time now, about what I should ask for this year. As Christmas approaches I find myself beating my head with a club in attempts to come up with the most brilliant gift request, but unfortunately this usually results in migraines instead. In past years, coming up with something I wanted for Christmas was a piece of cake because I would always just ask you for what I honestly wished to have. However I’ve learned throughout my many Christmases that if I request something “too extreme” I am always met by cold, slimy disappointment knocking at my door. Why is this Santa? I thought your elves could make anything a child could wish for because they possessed magical powers. BUT NO! I come along and ask for something truly unique, and yet, I receive it not. What is this cruel torment you send me ye Old Saint Nicholas. Nevertheless, I shall cease my rambling complaints and instead be grateful for the less awesome things you usually give me. But you shall not make a fool of me this year Christopher Cringle, I shall be disappointed no more! I’m not going to tell you what I want this year because I know you won’t bring it, so instead I’ll tell you what I don’t want. So here it is you jolly plump man.

I do not want:

·         Clothes that make me look as fat as you.

·         Strange collectibles that I don’t even collect, such as snow globes or papier-mâché ducks.

·         T-shirts that say annoying things like “Girls Rule” or “I’m a Diva” on them.

·         A marriage proposal from a bearded stranger.

·         3 French hens, 2 Turtle Doves, OR a partridge in a pear tree. Don’t you know I hate birds with a passion?

·         A one way ticket to Thuqbah.

·         A letter opener.

·         Coupons to the butcher shop.

·         Another baby brother or sister.

·         Cancer

·         A box of foreign chocolates that taste like something your reindeer pooped out.

·         A happy meal toy.

·         An album of pictures from when I was twelve.

·         A cold.

·         Packets of ketchup and mustard.

·         A dead ferret hanging from the Christmas tree.

·         One of those Dora the Explorer dolls that can’t stop saying “Come on vamanos! Everybody let’s go!”

·         An autographed poster of Rebecca Black.

·         Cavities.

·         A pet yak.

·         A couple of bee stings.

·         A dartboard with my face on it.

So Father Christmas, if you manage to not bring me any of these things, I promise I shall be very happy this Christmas.

How to Get Over a Guy

Although most people know how breathtakingly beautiful I am, they don't know that I'm also incredibly wise. In fact I am so wise that most people can't even comprehend the greatness of the things I say and are left in a dull state of confusion. Since I am so wise, I've decided to write this blog on how to get over a guy. So here's to the one girl whose smart enough to read my wise words, and may or may not have a really nice rump ;)

Step 1:
So before beginning the process of getting over a guy you have to be COMPLETELY DEVOTED. There's no way your going to stop liking anyone if you haven't done this already.

Step 2:
Listen to your brain not your heart. Your heart will tell you that he's the most perfect person to ever walk the earth and there's no way you could ever be happy without him. Instead you should listen to your brain, which will eventually lead you to the realization that he's not perfect because nobody is, he obviously isn't making you that happy otherwise you wouldn't be trying to get over him, and he's probably not as hot as you think he is.

Step 3:
Stop making excuses to see him/talk to him. Every girl does this when she is desperately in love so don't even pretend like you don't. All those times you usually happen to "bump" into him need to come to a pitiful end. If you happen to see him a lot because of school or whatever then there's not much you can do, but what I'm trying to say is....stop stalking him.

Step 4:
Remind yourself why you are trying to get over him. When a girl is trying to get over a guy, she usually has a good reason. For example, maybe he decided to grow a disgusting beard that makes you want to hurl every time you see him. Or maybe you just found out he's a marijuana addict as well as a cannibal. Or maybe he just happens to like another girl, and seeing how happy he is when he's with her makes you want to rip your heart out and throw it in the road. Remind yourself of why you don't want to like him anymore rather than reasons why you still do.

Step 5:
Don't let the fact that it didn't work out with one guy make you think that you suck. You don't. Even though it may seem like the end of the world because the one guy you can't stop thinking about doesn't like you back, the truth is that he doesn't even know how much he's missing out by giving you up.

Step 6:
Get a new boyfriend :D

Ornithophobia

Dear Nobody,

Last year I made this pretty amazing blog about all the great times I had in CIM class. Sadly I finished my credit for taking it and couldn't bring myself to take it again. So nobody reads this blog because I don't write in it anymore, hence the reason it is addressed to nobody. But if someone is reading this, I must tell you, that you are a loser.

Anyways I had to write some beautiful masterpieces of creativity for AP Lang, and I worked really hard on this one so I thought I would post it in case some cool cat with no life wanted to read it. 

Everyone has felt the overcoming power of fear in their lives. Some people fear death or pain, extreme heights, clowns, homosexuals, pregnant women, or the Dutch. Yes, the Dutch. Anyways I can’t say I have the right to mock since I too have an extreme phobia. It is called Ornithophobia, the fear of birds. Yes, birds. I’m pretty sure they were put on this earth by the devil to torment me.

            When encountering a bird, there are two types of reactions that I usually have. The first type of reaction is freaking out within. I happen to prefer this reaction because it is less humiliating. This usually occurs when I will be walking somewhere and a bird is on the ground right where I’m about to walk, just standing there, torturing me. It’s not like I can even try to scare it away because I am a thousand times more scared of it then it will ever be of me. Lucky for me I have really really really AMAZING friends who will scare birds away for me (thank you Danielle). But sometimes, I’m left alone in this cruel dark world and end up having to walk a different way because a freaking bird is in my path!!!!!! Anyways the second type of reaction I have is completely and utterly breaking down in an emotional terror. This usually happens when I’ll be walking along minding my own business and a bird swoops down out of nowhere right at my face and barely misses my eye. By the way, I’m pretty sure birds don’t do this to anyone except me. Anyways, when a bird does this I cover my face with my hands and start screaming….loudly. I honestly can’t believe my friends put up with it, which is why I love them so much.

            Since my fear of birds has gotten to be pretty extreme, I’ve been trying to think about why I’m so afraid of them. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences with birds, which I could go on about, but instead I’ve decided to explain why I find them so frightening. So here it goes:

            First of all, it terrifies me when they fly. They really don’t have any control over where they are flying, especially if the wind is really strong, so what if they flew right into your face. They have sharp beaks and if they flew into your face their beaks would peck out your eye. Then you would have a live bird, with its beak in your eye, flapping madly around you. I’m pretty sure nobody would want this to happen to them. The sound of birds wings flapping really rapidly terrifies me and makes me nauseous. Also their feet, or talons, make me really scared. They are not only really sharp but they could also grab your eye and pull it out of your head. They could also rip out your hair or just scratch you in general. If a giant bird was attacking you and its feet were gripped tightly to your arm you could not get it off of you. I hate the way birds’ sort of move their heads back and forth while they walk, like flamingos do, it’s so creepy. The sounds they make are also creepy, people who like to hear birds “singing” are deranged. Besides birds do not sing, they screech. There is a reason why crows are the symbol of death, it’s because they are terrifying.

The Destruction of My Childhood

It's been quite a while since I last posted something, partly because I've been busy with other classes, and partly because in CIM I've been actually working. We got our progress reports back about a week ago and I had like an 85% in the class. UNACCEPTABLE I MUST SUCCEED! lolz I just want to raise my GPA. I have no interest in pursuing a career involving computer technology.

ANYWAYS! My childhood proved to be full of sorrow and shame. I was the kid whose parents were killed by Voldemort, and I spent my life on the streets. Luckily the only thing that kept me going were Disney movies. The greatest characters ever invented became my only friends. Alladin, Simba, Cruella Deville, ahh such good memories. One particular favorite of mine was Pinnochio, the little wooden puppet whose greatest dream was to become a real boy! (Random sidenote: I thought I'd throw in a favorite quote of mine. Bonus points if you know the movie. Here's the quote: "My heart beating like a drum, should I marry KOKO-uhm.") lol ok.

Well this is the story of how CIM ruined my childhood:

My teacher approaches me in an ordinary fashion and says to me, "Work on your typing." SO! I opened up all of my typing test options. I'm trying to decide which one to choose, when Angie says, "Hey dudeeeeee, do the Adventures of Pinnochio one." So I proceeded to say, "okayyy." So I begin typing, and the story, unlike the DISNEY VERSION, went a little like this:

So Pinnochio wakes up somewhere inside a dark room and realizes that his feet are burned and gone. Gepetto comes to the door and is all like, "Yo Pinnochio open the door." So Pinnochio's like "I can't my feet are gone." and then Gepetto is like, "I will whip you if you don't open this door NOW!" So he breaks down the door and is like oh hey, you weren't lying, you really are horrifically mutiliated. So then Gepetto is like "Ok dude, what happened?" And Pinnochio is like, "Well I was hungry and then I killed the talking cricket, (HE KILLED JIMMINY CRICKET WHAT IS THIS?!?!?) and then I wanted to warm my feet so I put them in the stove, and when I woke up they were burnt, but I dont remember what happened." (At this point my childhood was officially ruined) So then Pinnochio starts screaming and crying because he's hungry so Gepetto feeds him three pears, but Pinnochio doesnt want the peels or the cores, so Gepetto has to peel it for him, but then Pinnochio is still hungry so he eats the peels and the cores, and Gepetto says "See you should never let anything go to waste."

By this time it I had to stop typing and I was somewhere between crying and laughing. I'm sorry if I destroyed anybody elses childhood in the writing of this blog.

Disney Quote #2: "Meg." (Extremely delayed reaction) "NOOOO!!!!!"
Disney movie comment: How is John Smith sitting that way??

The Little Match Girl

I refuse to keep typing. I have completed every single typing lesson, and have been thouroughly scarred by it. One of the typing tests was called the Little Match Girl. It was about this young girl living in poverty who spent everyday of her life trying to sell matches. One day she didn't sell a single match and so she couldn't go home or else her father would beat her, so that night she slept in an alley. She started to light the matches because she wanted to warm herself (as if one match is going to warm you in the middle of winter).  So then the little girl remembers her grandmother, and how she was the only person that had ever loved her. She wanted to be with her grandmother, but sadly her grandma was dead. Then suddenly she just dies, and everyone comes out of the building next to her and is so sad because they see this little dead girl lying there in the alley. But apparently she's up in heaven and she thinks that people shouldn't feel sorry for her because her life long dream of being with her grandmother came true.

Yeah, it was pretty disturbing.

Hey is there a new guy in our class?! I have never seen him before. She never told us there was a new kid. Wait... okay maybe he's always been here. Ahh!! It is the same guy he just got a hair cut. How could I not have noticed. This is the 2nd time this year this has happened. Before this kid in my band class cut his hair and I almost went up to ask what his name was. I think this shows how much your hair defines you.

Cut it, and your a whole new person.

Super Mega Foxy Awesome Hot

There is a girl in my CIM class, whose beauty exceeds that of any other girl. She shall remain nameless. But you should know that her name rhymes with Frangelique.

She is the hottest girl ever. Her "asian" hair flows in great dark curls at the side of her face. It curls perfectly, almost as if to frame her lovely face as thought it were a portrait painted by God.

Her face can't truly be compared to anything in this world. Although her eyes are quite Asian, they are a deep chocolate brown, and they glisten like the stars of the midnight sky. Every time our eyes meet, my heart beats...as it usually does.

Her best feature is her smile, some might say. However this is completely untrue. Her best feature is indeed her rump. Just kidding, it really is her smile. Her teeth are as white as snow, before the deer has peed on it.

I am completely overtaken by jealousy. If only I had a flawless face and smooth, round...cheeks...on my face. Like her.

The other day she walked up to me and asked me "Do I look okay?" and I said, "Girl, when I see your face!! theres only one thing I can say, girl your super mega foxy awesome hott!!"