What I Don't Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

          I’ve been thinking for quite a long time now, about what I should ask for this year. As Christmas approaches I find myself beating my head with a club in attempts to come up with the most brilliant gift request, but unfortunately this usually results in migraines instead. In past years, coming up with something I wanted for Christmas was a piece of cake because I would always just ask you for what I honestly wished to have. However I’ve learned throughout my many Christmases that if I request something “too extreme” I am always met by cold, slimy disappointment knocking at my door. Why is this Santa? I thought your elves could make anything a child could wish for because they possessed magical powers. BUT NO! I come along and ask for something truly unique, and yet, I receive it not. What is this cruel torment you send me ye Old Saint Nicholas. Nevertheless, I shall cease my rambling complaints and instead be grateful for the less awesome things you usually give me. But you shall not make a fool of me this year Christopher Cringle, I shall be disappointed no more! I’m not going to tell you what I want this year because I know you won’t bring it, so instead I’ll tell you what I don’t want. So here it is you jolly plump man.

I do not want:

·         Clothes that make me look as fat as you.

·         Strange collectibles that I don’t even collect, such as snow globes or papier-mâché ducks.

·         T-shirts that say annoying things like “Girls Rule” or “I’m a Diva” on them.

·         A marriage proposal from a bearded stranger.

·         3 French hens, 2 Turtle Doves, OR a partridge in a pear tree. Don’t you know I hate birds with a passion?

·         A one way ticket to Thuqbah.

·         A letter opener.

·         Coupons to the butcher shop.

·         Another baby brother or sister.

·         Cancer

·         A box of foreign chocolates that taste like something your reindeer pooped out.

·         A happy meal toy.

·         An album of pictures from when I was twelve.

·         A cold.

·         Packets of ketchup and mustard.

·         A dead ferret hanging from the Christmas tree.

·         One of those Dora the Explorer dolls that can’t stop saying “Come on vamanos! Everybody let’s go!”

·         An autographed poster of Rebecca Black.

·         Cavities.

·         A pet yak.

·         A couple of bee stings.

·         A dartboard with my face on it.

So Father Christmas, if you manage to not bring me any of these things, I promise I shall be very happy this Christmas.

How to Get Over a Guy

Although most people know how breathtakingly beautiful I am, they don't know that I'm also incredibly wise. In fact I am so wise that most people can't even comprehend the greatness of the things I say and are left in a dull state of confusion. Since I am so wise, I've decided to write this blog on how to get over a guy. So here's to the one girl whose smart enough to read my wise words, and may or may not have a really nice rump ;)

Step 1:
So before beginning the process of getting over a guy you have to be COMPLETELY DEVOTED. There's no way your going to stop liking anyone if you haven't done this already.

Step 2:
Listen to your brain not your heart. Your heart will tell you that he's the most perfect person to ever walk the earth and there's no way you could ever be happy without him. Instead you should listen to your brain, which will eventually lead you to the realization that he's not perfect because nobody is, he obviously isn't making you that happy otherwise you wouldn't be trying to get over him, and he's probably not as hot as you think he is.

Step 3:
Stop making excuses to see him/talk to him. Every girl does this when she is desperately in love so don't even pretend like you don't. All those times you usually happen to "bump" into him need to come to a pitiful end. If you happen to see him a lot because of school or whatever then there's not much you can do, but what I'm trying to say is....stop stalking him.

Step 4:
Remind yourself why you are trying to get over him. When a girl is trying to get over a guy, she usually has a good reason. For example, maybe he decided to grow a disgusting beard that makes you want to hurl every time you see him. Or maybe you just found out he's a marijuana addict as well as a cannibal. Or maybe he just happens to like another girl, and seeing how happy he is when he's with her makes you want to rip your heart out and throw it in the road. Remind yourself of why you don't want to like him anymore rather than reasons why you still do.

Step 5:
Don't let the fact that it didn't work out with one guy make you think that you suck. You don't. Even though it may seem like the end of the world because the one guy you can't stop thinking about doesn't like you back, the truth is that he doesn't even know how much he's missing out by giving you up.

Step 6:
Get a new boyfriend :D